Tasers and STDs

Well, we are nearing the time when we will know what flavor our child is going to be "blue" or "pink". This Friday we (and by we I mean Amanda) have an ultrasound. After that I expect a flurry of excitement, pictures being sent to people, posted on the blog, facebook, myspace, telephone poles, milk cartons...well you get the picture, Amanda will be letting everybody know, I on the other hand will know whether or not I need to invest in a taser to put over the mantel to remind a daughter that her boyfriends may be subject to its use. Well you may be wondering why I would make such a comment and as usual I fully intend on telling you (here is where you groan). Well if a daughter happens to be born, then eventually she will get to the age to begin dating, if that happens then she will have boys attempting to court her, and as having previously been a boy I know that at a certain age a different part of boy's anatomy takes over the mental calculations and processes. When this happens boys become very dangerous because many will do and say anything to round third base and head for home plate, while this is a very natural part of being alive, I as a father would prefer that this not happen while they are quite so young. Looking back I can now see what parents are talking about, the prospect of being a father at 28 is scary, just imagine while you are still in high school.

Now you may be thinking now that you know why I want the glass encased taser "oh sure he is going to have that there to scare the poor kid", ah, but you would be wrong, my plan is that on their first date to shoot him with it in the chest area, followed by telling him that if anything that requires any more than a jacket to be removed the next shot will be lower. I know this sounds harsh but when my daughter is accepting the Noble prize she will thank me. Also, for the record, I have a couple of plans in mind if we have a boy. The first also utilizes the use of a taser to the nether regions and telling him that that is what sex feels like, but Amanda may veto that, so instead the plan is to make him start working while going to school, and paying the money to us as if we are raising his kid and we will invest it for him so he can go to college and some day accept the Nobel Prize. Lofty dreams and harsh methods, I know, but I am not a father quite yet so I can still tell everyone that I am going to be the mean hard ass parent, but we all know that I am probably going to be somewhat of a push over, so in both cases they will be forced to watch the STD video I had to in boot camp that showed what an STD could do to some very important parts, I know that scared the hell out of me.